ML's tumblelog

A couple years ago I was bombarded with emails asking me how to please both Jesus and your Husband. I came up with a list for these ladies and it seemed to help.

I’ve re-written the list and I hope it helps as many women reading this as it has helped in the past.

1. Always be up before your Husband in the morning so you can have his paper and his breakfast ready for him when he wakes. Although it is the morning, there is no need to be slovenly, always make sure you are showered and dressed with your hair fixed and your make-up on. ALWAYS serve fresh orange juice. Only whores use frozen.

2. DO NOT sit down at breakfast. Your Husband will be trying to read the morning paper and the sound of your chair scraping on the floor will be a distraction to him as you get up and down to fetch him more biscuits or find his briefcase for him.

3. DO NOT be a clingy wife! Your Husband has a lot on his mind in the morning, planning out his busy day. Do not try to engage him in conversation about what your plans for the day are or other trivial matters. Always walk him to the door. Make sure to carry with you any of the things he has forgetton so he doesn’t need to go back for them. Offer yourself for a kiss, but if he is too busy to notice DO NOT POUT. He has a lot of responsibility and the morning is not the time for feminine hysterics.

4. DO NOT CALL YOUR HUSBAND AT WORK. Nothing will distract him from his responsibilities at work faster than trying to deal with yours as well. It can wait. In the case of an actual emergency, of course, calling him at work is necessary. PMS induced crying jags are not emergencies.

5. Spend your day cooking and cleaning. There is no excuse for anything other than a spotless house. Filth is for pigs not humans and cleaning top to bottom everyday is a good use of your time as well as good exercise. Bake lots of cookies and cakes and treats. ALWAYS REMEMBER a fat Husband is a faithful Husband.

6. When your Husband gets home from work, do not jump him with problems you’ve had during the day, or questions about his day. He needs time to relax and wind down. Make sure the TV remote is next to his chair and the batteries are fresh. Once he walks in the door, ladies…turn OFF the soaps and talk shows.

7. Have a snack ready for him to eat as you finish dinner. If he is not happy with your choice of snack DO NOT POUT, it’s your fault. He’s had a busy day and he’s not psychic. Replace the snack immediately with what he wants.

8. Dinner should be more formal than breakfast. At this meal you may be seated, and allow him to serve himself from the table. Of course if he wants hotter gravy or something from the kitchen, you need to be up and gone for it with a smile. DO NOT PIG OUT. Always leave the table a little bit hungry to maintain both your figure and your dignity.

9. After dinner you may begin clearing the table as he waits for you to bring his dessert. He will be in a state of relaxation by this point and feel contented. If he aims a playful swipe at your backside during the clearing, respond with an “oh you!”, smile and continue to the kitchen to get his dessert.

10. When choosing a dessert, remember a fat man is a faithful man and a full man falls asleep fast. Use lots of rich icings and creamy fillings.

11. Do not complain or question if your Husband has plans for after dinner. He has the right to a private life. Never call to check up on him. Use your free time to bake more, or to do his laundry.

12. Always go to bed before your Husband. He deserves a quiet time to reflect on his day and to plan for tomorrow. If he wakes you for sex when he comes to bed, give in graciously.

13. Never initiate sex yourself. Only whores initiate sex.

Parce que nous mon père vit loin de chez nous, qu’on culpabilise un peu de cette distance qu’il nous a imposée (ben oui, c’est lui qui part, c’est nous qui nous faisons des noeuds au ventre, classique), qu’on offre des objets utilitaires sympas aux parents du Doudou de temps en temps, et que nous ne faisons pas systématiquement un cadeau à chaque anniversaire de mon père ou de sa femme, nous décidons de leur offrir un nouvelle tour. Un truc récent. Qui fonctionne comme il faut.

Le Doudou suggère un mac. Genre Apple quelque chose. Je lui rappelle l’axiome des grands-parents : le grand-parent n’aime pas la nouveauté, ne comprend pas la nouveauté. Si on passe mon père à Apple, prétendument plus simple et intuitif, c’est le Doudou qui passera l’année 2012 au téléphone à expliquer à son beau-père pourquoi l’ordinateur Apple ne fonctionne pas comme celui qu’il avait avant. La constance s’impose. En informatique comme en tout, le mieux est l’ennemi du bien.